Three movies and a funeral

Laaga Chunari Me Daag

After the competent "Parineeta" (never mind the hilarious 'tod Shekhar, tod" last scene), Pradeep Sarkar delivers an absolute turkey. Actually, some Star Plus serials are little better. Rani Mukherji doing an eerily perfect Sukhen Das imitation, is stuff nightmares are made of. In hindsight, we know what Badki should have done instead of selling herself to anonymous amorous strangers in big bad Bombay. She should have gone to Cal and joined Nottyo Company, instead. And am I the only one who does not like Jaya Bachhan's (perpetually pinched eyebrows) second innings? And don't even start me on Anupam Kher. Fresh cow-dung is what I would call his performance. The only one coming through with any semblence of reputation intact is Konkona. One ends up feeling sorry for her being in such a mess. Abhishek & Kunal were better off having an affair between themselves rather than going for the girls.

Jab We Met

Just when you think, Socha Na Tha cannot happen again, boy-meets-girl is too formulaic and done to death, Imtiaz Ali surprises you again. The first half of the flick waltzes along with a breezy freshness that has little to do with the lead pair. Its the bloody script, stupid. The dialogues are extremely funny in parts, pedestrian in bits and above average for most. You expect the film to fail miserably with the second half, and for about 25-30 minutes it does hover quite close to the precipice. I mean, a screeching Kareena and deadpan Shahid is far better than a deadpan Kareena and screeching Shahid. Thankfully, normal service is resumed soon after with an unintentionally hilarious performance from Tarun Arora, who is forced to bathe and visit sugarcane fields while Kareena is being stolen from him. Overall, worth a watch. Aap itne se convince ho gaye, ke aur kuchh bolu?

Saawariyaa

Unadulterated overrated overhyped pathetic self-indulgent crap. In case Mr. Bansali wanted to pleasure himself with his hands, he should have had the decency to do it in the privacy of his bedroom (presumably having bedspreads, curtains, blankets and carpets in various shades of blue). The kids, Ranveer & Sonam, look comprehensively lost in the middle of an utterly bewildering set. And one can't help but sympathize with them. At least they make an honest attempt, never mind their limited expressions. The person solely responsible for this dodo, is one with the initials of SLB. But then again, maybe I don't understand Russian literature. Actually after watching this ridiculous excuse of a masturbation, I don't want to.

Om Shanti Om

Tired of reading my stuff? Read this one instead. And yes, I loved this mindless montage too. Maybe more so, because I saw it right after "Saawariyaa", but frankly my dear, I don't give a damn. Yes, the in-jokes rock and so does Farah Khan. The most innovative end credits I have seen. The spot boys in a Merc and the executive producer on a cycle was cool, no? And I counted 31 + SRK = 32, did you?

Afterthought : Just because the movie is so deliberately over-the-top, nobody detected how bad SRK was in the movie. All his mannerisms /terrible hamming etc. can be passed off as "fitting into the character / movie". But then, we always knew he was somewhat histrionically challenged, didn't we? They still go to watch him, don't they?

Chiraunji Lal Khosla

The realization dawned on me with my first mouthful of popcorn. Why was I avoiding "Khosla Ka Ghosla" till now even after hearing countless positive reviews? It’s simply because the movie was being advertised as a "slice of Delhi life”!! With that kind of promise, you can't blame me much for thinking it would have the following elements:

1. The Delhi lingo consisting of "Beh^$#@" as every third word.
2. Youngsters wearing designer clothes loafing around in Gurgaon / Noida malls.
3. Real estate barons in flashy suits showing off their latest designer watches and Mercedes'.
4. Endless driving around posh South Delhi localities.
5. One-two obligatory shots of the Qutub Minar / Red Fort / India Gate.

This is a Delhi which I don't know much about. And coming to think of it, don't want to know much of either. It’s that part of the city which is continuously running from its past. And the past is what makes Delhi, Dilli!

The movie pleasantly surprised me, through its sarcastic look at the numerous quirks and idiosyncrasies which make the city. And its examination of the actual Delhi middle class. The ones who work in all those Government offices.

It was not only the popular Delhi stereotypes, which caught the eye …

1. The corrupt cops asking for their cut.
2. Rajma chawal (causing gastroentric disasters).
3. Jat musclemen on loan from the neighbouring state.
4. Larger than life land shark rushing to Vaishno Devi at the drop of a hat.

But those understated things in almost every frame, which are so quintessentially Delhi ...

1. The red Rooh-Afza bottle at the centre of the dining table. The Hamdard syrup which has been recommended as a counter to the harsh summer loo by countless Delhi mothers.
2. The fixation of owning a South Delhi house (even if it’s almost in Rajasthan) by the "service" class. The envy apparent in the dialogue, “Abhi to aap South Delhi-wale ho gaye, Khosla saab.”
3. The various levels of fixers. Typified by the statement - "Aap broker ho ya party?"
4. Tara Sharma's ethnic handicraft (all purchased at Cottage Emporium, I would presume) heavy flat.
5. The naiveté underlying Delhi aspirations, "World Famous Estate Agents" / "A-1 Agency"
6. The clichéd though real penniless Art / Theatre / Cuture-wallahs
7. The chartered buses carrying officers from Mukerji Nagar to CP. An understated comment on the Public Transport.
8. Collapsible gates / queues and shouting at Delhi booze shops. For those who do not know, Delhi booze shops are controlled by the Government and stay shut on 1st and 7th of every month, because monthly wages are dispensed on those days!
9. The Delhi spirit characterized succinctly by the statement, “Kya Kar Loge Tum?”
10. Khadi wearing NGOs looking out for their next donation cheque.
11. Horribly ostentatious Sadar Bazaar type tabletop / wall decorations.
12. The routine power cuts.

Now these are parts of Delhi I can recognize. Shows just one single fact. The indelible marks left by a city where I have spent some of the most glorious moments of my life.

No place (where you have spent significant time) ever really goes out of your system. Those memories are just lying there somewhere.

And no, to long for something which you never missed in the first place, is not stupid at all.

The guy's not bad

Never thought I would write that about someone from the Deol family.

Abhay Deol has talent. Not in bucketfulls, as is quite evident in the case of Abhishek B, but compared to Dino Morea and Emraan Hashmi, he is simply divine. And its refreshing to see him not waste himself in the "Kutte / Kamine" roles popularised by his uncle and cousins, but tread off the beaten path in "Socha Na Tha" as well as "Ahista Ahista". Maybe no one is offering him those "dhai kilo ki haath" roles in the first place (its heard that Bobby D is not getting any for sometime), but lets give him the benefit of doubt, shall we?

Its also helped, that the scripts of these two movies did not have anything expect their lead actors. The story was simple in the case of the first one, almost bordering on ludicrous in the second. But to see Abhay D trying so hard to fit into the roles of regular guys makes you glad. And just compare this with say, Shahrukh trying to be an average jerk in KANK, with a footballer demigod past !!!

Then maybe I am just biased with "Socha Na Tha". I remember recommending the movie to countless friends. Its definitely not pathbreaking like "Munna Bhai MBBS" or even "Dil Chahta Hai". But it shows clearly what a simple idea with honest execution can do, when the lead pair is concentrating on their character in the first place rather than trying to look too cute. The film is surprisingly good even on the second viewing and has a number of endearing moments. Abhay D fits like a glove to his role of a confused 24 year old who is out of his depth in most matters of his life including career, love, marriage, family etc. And to his credit, the guy makes it looks effortless.

Its that spark in Abhay which made me watch his second movie. "Ahista Ahista" starts of with a much more serious premise and Abhay's character is quite complex for a Hindi Movie hero. And this is a movie trying so desperately to be different that it bores the audience to death. The director (the same one as the earlier movie) loses the plot mid-way and the music director (the unwashed denim jacket guy again) loses his head with that soul searching "Love You Unconditionally", but in the middle of all this mayhem, Abhay D steals your heart with his honest attempt to essay a role, which would have been a challenge to anyone.

Too bad no one else saw the movie.

Wassup, Mr. Moitra?

Going by the first two numbers of "Lage Raho Munna Bhai" one cannot but feel sad as well as confused for Indian film music.

One of the numbers ("Pal Pal") is inspired quite clearly by Cliff Richard's (yeah, the same geriatric undying romantic who used to your mom's favourite) "Theme for a Dream".

And the other ("Lage Raho Munna Bhai") quite incredibly by the ICICI Bank ad jingle !!!! Is this just an unintentionally "inspired" goof-up or is it in-film advertising taken to its depths?

And all this is even more poignant, because its coming from someone who was expected to be the great white hope of the industry .... one Mr. Shantanu Moitra.

You might argue that the signs were visible as recently as Parineeta, whose music is heavily inspired from all the obvious sources including Tagore, pahadi folk tunes and blues.

But I personally was going more by the evidence of the ethereal "Naam Ada Likhna" from Yahaan. A composer coming up with such a beauty resorting to Cliff Richard in his next venture? The mind boggles.

Waiting for the rest of the album. One cannot give up hope.

Update : Figured out some trivia, which might just absolve the composer of the ICICI Bank jingle horror !! One Mr. Vidhu Vinod Chopra happened to direct the first ICICI Bank ad-campaign with that jingle. So is it the invisible hand? This one's worth a watch.

Can Superman really do it?

Saw "Superman Returns" on Sunday and it sure sucked big-time. Can't believe its the same director who gave us "The Usual Suspects", "X-Men" and "X-2". The movie is too cheesy for words and fails to connect with fans and non-fans alike. It especially falls flat in its attempt to explore the underlying human-ness of Superman, who is supposed to be an alien in the first place. Go figure !!

Kevin Spacey as Lex Luthor hardly brings any menace to his role, strangely sounding more like Dr. Evil from Austin Powers, than the tech-savvy criminal super-genius we all are aware of.


**** Spoiler Alert ****



The greatest suspense in the movie is that Lois Lane has Supe's kid. Ho-hum etc. etc.

Here's a hilarious take on the physical impossibility of such a situation by the great Larry Niven, the author of the Hugo / Nebula winner Ringworld series (which IMHO employed pretty poor physics themselves).

And these are some excerpts to whet your appetite ...

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Assume a mating between Superman and a human woman designated LL for convenience.

Either Superman has gone completely schizo and believes himself to be Clark Kent; or he knows what he's doing, but no longer gives a damn. Thirty-one years is a long time. For Superman it has been even longer. He has X-ray vision; he knows just what he's missing. (One should not think of Superman as a Peeping Tom. A biological ability must be used. As a child Superman may never have known that things had surfaces, until he learned to suppress his X-ray vision. If millions of people tend shamelessly to wear clothing with no lead in the weave, that is hardly Superman's fault.)

The problem is this. Electroencephalograms taken of men and women during sexual intercourse show that orgasm resembles "a kind of pleasurable epileptic attack." One loses control over one's muscles.

Superman has been known to leave his fingerprints in steel and in hardened concrete, accidentally. What would he do to the woman in his arms during what amounts to an epileptic fit?
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Consider the driving urge between a man and a woman, the monomaniacal urge to achieve greater and greater penetration. Remember also that we are dealing with kryptonian muscles.

Superman would literally crush LL's body in his arms, while simultaneously ripping her open from crotch to sternum, gutting her like a trout.

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Lastly, he'd blow off the top of her head.

Ejaculation of semen is entirely involuntary in the human male, and in all other forms of terrestrial life. It would be unreasonable to assume otherwise for a kryptonian. But with kryptonian muscles behind it, Kal-El's semen would emerge with the muzzle velocity of a machine gun bullet. (One can imagine that the Kent home in Smallville was riddled with holes during Superboy's puberty. And why did Lana Lang never notice that?)

In view of the foregoing, normal sex is impossible between LL and Superman.

Artificial insemination may give us better results.
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A ripened but unfertilized egg leaves LL's ovary, begins its voyage down her Fallopian tube.

Some time later, tens of millions of sperm, released from a test tube, begin their own voyage up LL's Fallopian tube.

The magic moment approaches...

Can human breed with kryptonian? Do we even use the same genetic code? On the face of it, LL could more easily breed with an ear of corn than with Kal-El. But coincidence does happen. If the genes match...

One sperm arrives before the others. It penetrates the egg, forms a lump on it's surface, the cell wall now thickens to prevent other sperm From entering. Within the now-fertilized egg, changes take place...

And ten million kryptonian sperm arrive slightly late.

Were they human sperm, they would be out of luck. But these tiny blind things are more powerful than a locomotive. A thickened cell wall won't stop them. They will *all* enter the egg, obliterating it entirely in an orgy of microscopic gang rape. So much for artificial insemination.

But LL's problems are just beginning .....

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And so I guess, would Bryan Singer's unless he redeems himself with a great sequel, as all fansites continue to scream.

More gems : bad movie reviews

I am literally floored by the quality of the reviews.

Sadly the same thing cannot be said about the movies :))

The Clan of Cave Bear (1986)

Sphere

The Island of Dr. Moreau (1996)

And I also came across a quaint little hypothesis -

"That any given movie will most likely hurt bad when it tells us it was based on, inspired by, or ‘faithfully’ adapted from a story by : Edgar Alan Poe, Brahm Stoker, H.P. Lovecraft, Stephen King, or (most recently) Michael Crichton."

Considering the fact that Stephen King continues to remain my absolute favourite author, I find this hard to digest. But then again .......... maybe the reviewer does have a point.

King Kong Lives !!!

Came across this amazing review of one of the worst ape movies ever made. Hilarious stuff ! Now, what was Linda Hamilton (yes, the stone-faced mother of John Connor from the Terminator series) doing in the middle of all this "wholesome" entertainment is anybody's guess.

Cannot help but share this with Samit, the great (who, let me admit, in spite of being a fan, I don't know from Adam). Specially in view of his this post.

Trying to unearth some other gems from this site.

The cricket memories have to wait, I guess.