Thursday, April 07, 2005

Chronicle of a hangover foretold !!!

Open my eyes and wish I had not. The drumming in the brain (on the beats of "Saaiyan Dil Me Aana Re" if you please) reaches a crescendo. The back of your mouth feels like an arid desert. Just keeping your eyelids open seems to be an olympian effort.

I drag my limp body to the sink and stare at the wreck in the mirror. Takes a while to clear the haze with cold water and soap suds. Try desperately not to think about the previous night. The taste of lead in the mouth refuses to yield to toothpaste. Just how many times can a guy promise to himself not to drink like an ass again?

Hangover. The dreaded word. The single most important reason for my absent days in office. The secret tormentor of my mental and physical well-being. The classic tale of the dreadful "morning after" being able to erase all memories of the beautiful "night".

For some people, the "hangovers" overwhelm the "highs" by about 50:1. Hell, I don't know about others, mine certainly does. How do I get these Godzilla size hangovers? Previous explanations from my "concerned" friends have covered the whole gamut of "You and your bloody bong genes", "Who asked you to drink so fast, you asshole?", "Did you even THINK of having some water?", "For fuck's sake, DON'T mix your drinks", "What else will you get after drinking so much, a bloody sandwich massage by horny Chinese chicks?" etc. etc.

For the life of me, I have still not understood what exactly happens to me after the high wears off. How does my head feels like its going to explode any moment. How my tummy behaves as if Russian acrobats are performing some deadly summersaults there.

Actually, believe it or not, my hangover actually starts while I am drinking. And no, it has got nothing to do with general drunkenness. By virtue of long practice I have managed distinguish exactly between "high" effects and "hangover" effects!. "Hangover" effects normally start with a mildly throbbing headache, progresses through steady dehydration by regular visits to the loo and end up as a "who parked that motorcycle with the engine on inside my head" apocalypse.

And all I will say to those purveyors of sure-fire hangover cures, CUT THE CRAP.

Having tried all possible homely remedies starting from the regular ........
a) Strong black coffee (a sure shot way to acidity and general increased consumption of Gelusil)
b) Bath with ice cold water (a cold in case you are lucky, and a fever in case you are not)
c) Wrap your head in a wet towel (Cold + sinus / tonsils)

to the mildly incredible ............
a) Big breakfast (will definitely make you puke, in case you have not already)
b) Bread (to soak the alcohol in the stomache , he he he ..... will make you skip breakfast and lunch)
c) Cold Milk (supposed to be a cure for acidity ... actually makes it worse)

and to the totally crazy ones ....
a) Drink some more (will surely get you to the hospital)
b) Sleep it off with some pills (a candidate for stomache pumping)
c) Go watch a horror flick to keep your mind off it (you might be arrested for puking on the lady next to you)

.... I can say only this, none of them even comes close to working !!! The only way to cure a hangover is to survive it somehow and hope your liver lives to tell the tale. And then there's always the next weekend.


Dipta Chaudhuri said...

Finally, someone who has the courage to say that 'lots of tomato juice' kind of remedies do not work at all! And has the qualifications to back it up!
But I expected more graphic details of some real-life incidents!

Anonymous said...

Like there was this one time few years back at a seedy quarter joint in Andheri east , when Udayan gulped down a few quarts of cheap whisky and then tried to top it up with some beers ..all in some kind of manic frenzy ..laughing all the time and jerking people out of their chair by their collars ..and then suddenly wham he put his head down and slept right there at the table ..and then he refused to get up ..he insisted that he wanted to sleep right there ..he would not budge 4 not so able bodies had to drag him to a cab ..and set him off homeward sure he didnt go to work the next day tee heee hee

Anonymous said...

udayan, I suggest you try listening to KK melodies to sooth your whisky pickled (sharp) brain... and swallow large quantities of Chicken Biryani... to soak up the bile and absorb the C2H5OH vapours in your belly... have you forgotten what worked for you in the ninedees...